The Big Chill

I love my job; I really do. I think that in today’s economy, everyone who has a job is grateful for just being employed. To extend that gratefulness even further, everyone who has not been devastated by a tsunami, flood, earthquake, fire, or Arnold Schwarzenegger has something to be thankful for. And in these times of social media and losing employment because of an indiscriminate remark or photo, it is especially prudent to watch what one says about one’s employer.
But there is one thing about my job for which I am ungrateful, and that is the temperature. Many of you who work out in the elements and lack air conditioning will call it insane to rant about this wonderful modern convenience that we call central air conditioning, but there comes a point when even modern conveniences can go too far (a topic we’ll revisit more in the future).
For me, that point is when it’s a beautiful sunny 90-degree day is beaming at you from picturesque windows, and you are hunched over a heater with a long winter sweater. That point is when your head is so cold that you feel the freezing of your hair follicles and want to pull the hood of the sweater over your head in a Grace Jones fashion statement, even when said sweater does not come with a hood. Most severely, that point is brought home when you realize that your joints are aching and your sinuses are throbbing.
The irony is that this building was newly renovated in the fall of 2008 and this pre-existing problem was supposed to have been fixed. I think that it is unfortunate to suffer from brain freeze that is not self-inflicted through the quick sipping of a Slurpee®. So I’ve decided to come up with several alternatives to combat the slow coagulation of my blood into icicles.
My first solution is to layer up with even more warm clothing. So instead of picking out that cute summer blouse, I opt for a sweater. Sometimes I get clever enough to layer my look with the summer blouse and the sweater, but let’s face, in the morning, it is enough to get out the door with pants on that are only moderately wrinkled, much less putting the planning into more than one layer of clothing. But pre-family, there were summers where I decided that a scarf would add to my warmth. Then I coupled that with a pair of mittens. And while I was at it, I figured I toss in a pair of earmuffs. The problem with this solution is that I look insane. And since part for my job requires exposure to the public, my boss vetoed the idea, especially when I tried to wear all three.
My second solution is to drink plenty of hot liquids. Now I can just justify that daily hot cup of blueberry-flavored coffee that I stop by 7-11® to get on those muggy summer mornings. I am even thinking of trading in my 12-ounce cup for a thermos, so that I can prolong the enjoyment of that flavor. I also have a large stash of tea in my cubicle “pantry” as I like to call it. But I recognize that I cannot drink purely hot caffeinated drinks all day long because they will inevitably give me the jitters. So I have trained myself to enjoy a steaming mug of hot water. The problem with this solution is the increasing frequency of bathroom breaks. This has turned me into the cuckoo—as in the one that pops out of the clock; I amazingly have to pee in hourly intervals. And now, my job has opted to renovate the bathrooms in my building one floor at a time (which were surprisingly NOT included in the initial renovation), meaning that I now have catch an elevator up to the second floor for much needed relief. So far, this has not resulted in my hobbling to the elevator like a deranged duck when my bladder cannot wait for the rest of my body—but then again, I’ve only been back at work for three days.
My final solution is going outside to thaw out at regular intervals. I like to coin this practice taking air breaks. Here’s my theory: employers legally allow smokers to go outside and take a quick puff at regular intervals during the day. But what about non-smokers? Shouldn’t we be allowed that same privilege? The only reasonable answer is yes, and I fully intend to take advantage of this opportunity. I also decided that it would be a good idea just to leave the building for a half hour and take a brisk walk around outdoors. The major drawback with this system is two-fold: one, constant in-and-out exposure to the elements gives me a head cold, and two, even if I were to take those brisk walks, I run the risk of sweating, which could again result in catching a cold.
So my final desperate solution is to sit here, closely snuggled up to the heater, hoping that the passing patrons don’t mistake me for an ice sculpture.